My first priority post-divorce was immersing myself in the care of people that loved me while doing things that I enjoyed. One of those things was singing on the worship team at church. Singing in an ensemble or choir had been a part of my life for over 20 years. Being a part of a band creates a beautiful camaraderie that is exhilarating and life-giving. The church had recently hired a new worship pastor and I was getting to know him and his wife.
During the divorce process, the pastor asked that I take a break from serving on the worship team and in the children’s ministry while I sorted things out. He framed it as way to ensure that I didn’t feel pressure to serve if I didn’t have the capacity. I had been singing with the worship team for about a year at this point, but I agreed to the break because I was preparing to help welcome my nephew and planned to be traveling quite a bit. The pastor told me I could get back on the schedule whenever I was ready or if I felt the break was “stupid.”
Once I signed the final divorce decree, I felt ready to hop back into serving at the church. The pastor was on a sabbatical that began shortly before my divorce was final, so I approached the elder that helped me, as he was also on the worship team. I was surprised when he pushed back, saying that he needed to have a conversation with the other elders to consider the “ramifications” of me singing on the worship team. He touched base with me after their conversation and let me know that the elders wanted talk through the “ramifications” with the pastor when he returned from sabbatical. I pressed to try to understand more about what their concerns were, but he rudely told me that their decision was final and that he would not be giving me an explanation.
I decided to take my own sabbatical from the church as I recovered from the toll of advocating for myself throughout the divorce process. During my time away, I visited family, spent some time with my new nephew, and relaxed.
The pastor and elder followed up with me shortly after the pastor returned from his sabbatical and we set up a time to talk through my return to serving. They framed their approach as a way of caring about me, but they never asked me what I needed to feel cared for. The pastor and elder said that I could probably serve in the children’s ministry again, but they kept saying that they were concerned about the “ramifications” of me being seen on stage after the divorce. They never pointed to any specific concerns, but I deduced that they didn’t want to be seen as endorsing my divorce because then others may think it’s ok to do the same thing- even though they had previously said it was appropriate in my situation. They also added that they thought I took my sabbatical out of spite because “I didn’t get my way.” I clarified my reasoning for taking a sabbatical and tried, unsuccessfully, to get answers on when I could serve again. I also pointed out that, if there were certain standards or requirements to sing on the worship team, that had never been communicated to me previously and no one else on the worship team was undergoing the scrutiny that I was. The pastor said he would bring up the issue with the elders and touch base with me.
Several weeks went by and I followed up via e-mail. I was told they still didn’t have any answers. I reached out to the worship leader who I sang with when I first joined the team. I thought that, since she served with me consistently, she could address whatever concerns the leadership had. I never heard from her. I also never heard anything from the worship pastor who I had shared my story and the stage with. I decided to approach the pastor one Sunday after church to try to get clarification on the delay. Rather than addressing my concern, he questioned my persistence, saying that he doubted whether my heart was in the right place to serve.
That interaction reminded me of the dynamics in my marriage. Rather than be honest and up front, he chose to impute a negative motive to me. He was fine keeping me in limbo, even though I had expressed how the lack of community was impacting me negatively. I also started to see a dangerous power dynamic, where the pastor had to have control over every detail, and those around him not only had very little say, but they were also scared to oppose him.
I realized that, in keeping with my newfound freedom and practice of caring for myself, I needed to leave the church.
I let the pastor, the elders and their wives, and the worship leaders know that I would not be signing a membership covenant when it came time for renewal because I was not cared for after my divorce. Rather than lay out my issues in an e-mail, I let them know that I would be available to discuss them with whoever would like to know how to care better for folks in my situation. The pastor responded quickly in a manner to let folks know that he was handling the situation. He said he was sorry that I “didn’t feel cared for” and that he would follow up in another e-mail with the elders. He never did.
One of the elders‘ wives did reach out though, and we met to debrief. She let me know that after my divorce, they felt like they had failed. I realized that their goal was restoration of my marriage, and not the restoration of my dignity. They were more worried about my marriage than about me, and the fact that I had gained freedom was lost on them. After this conversation, none of the leaders at the church who said that they cared about me even bothered to reach out.
And that’s when it struck me: the leaders of the church were treating me the way they were because they believed they were doing the right thing. They believed that they were honoring God by pushing me to the side. They believed they were honoring God by being paternalistic over my divorce and subsequent healing. They believed they were honoring God by not allowing me to be seen. The care they said they had for me only extended to the edge of the box they believed I was allowed to occupy.
About a month after I officially ended my membership with the church, they held their annual women’s retreat. The retreat was open to non-members, and, though I was hesitant, I desired to fellowship with folks as I had previously and I decided to attend. I thought it would be an opportunity to connect with folks who just didn’t know what to say or how to help. The theme was “Women of the Well.” My reservations were quickly confirmed the first night when I read a program welcome note from the pastor where he referred to the Woman at the Well in the Bible as “ratchet,” while assuring us the women in attendance at the retreat were certainly “not like her.”
The speakers at the retreat focused on the book of Esther. And, as with many of the messages I heard about Esther, the focus was on her courage and bravery, but only one person briefly mentioned the first woman in the story, Queen Vashti, who was discarded by her husband after she declined to participate in his objectification of her.
I shared my thoughts at the end of the retreat during an open mic session. I shared that I relate with the Woman at the Well who- rather than being ratchet for having multiple husbands and living with a man she wasn’t married to- was actually likely abandoned by the people that were legally and culturally bound to care for her. I relate to Queen Vashti, who refused to endure abuse and was pushed aside by men who didn’t want other women to see and learn from her example. I encouraged the retreat attendees to recognize the value in their story, even when folks dismiss it.
I left the retreat with more sadness than I felt after getting divorced. I knew I had to grieve the loss of the community that I once held dear. I knew I had to grieve the reality that the “care” that I had received from my church was conditioned on me continually sacrificing my well-being. Most importantly, I knew that I could no longer run from the issue that the problems with my church were illuminating: the faith I had known my entire life had caused me more harm than good.
Ugh. Why, church, whyyyy??!!! This just gives me pharisee vibes. I hope you have been able to find community that does not refer to women at the well as “ratchet” or burdensome. I have more I could say. But I’mma calm down. I’m grateful that you have been able to see through the facade and advocate for yourself (despite being dismissed) and know when its time to move on.
Thank you, BU friend! Interestingly enough, this wasn’t the first time I’d heard a pastor a preacher refer to the Woman at the Well in a derogatory way. It’s pretty disgusting when I think about it. It just shows how little they think of women, but they clearly aren’t following the example of Jesus.
CLEARLY!! lol
Wow! I am happy you took that time away! They sound like Pharisees
Exactly!
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, you are not alone sis!
Dearest Daphne,
I read and was so upset that the reference to the Women at the Well was made to seem derogatory. I was that Woman at the Well who left her water pot filled with things that were unbecoming a Christian Woman. That is what we should do, leave water pot and go and tell. MAKE DISICIPLES! Use your experience as a teaching tool for your testimony. Romans 8:28, And we know all things work together for the good to them that love God to them who are the called according to His purpose.
So, use the “all things you have experienced” to become “your testimony for others.”
All supporting,
Aunt Ruth
Thank you for reading and for your support. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time I had heard The Woman at the Well referred to in a derogatory way in the church. There’s a serious issue with misogyny in the church and this really is one of the ways it comes out.
Thank you Daphne! Thanks for your courage to share your personal experiences. Thank you for the courage to talk about your Church experiences. So many of us share some these same experiences of being abandoned by “friends” and church “family” in the midst and aftermath of divorce. Divorce will reveal true family and friends. People! There is so much I can say, but I will say this: I love you, and you are God’s beautiful daughter. I chose to focus on my relationship with God. My faith in God became stronger. I didn’t have the energy to confront anyone, but I do recognize this as an area of healing. The Church has many issues that need to be addressed. Hopefully your blog will bring about some healthy and helpful conversations and support for those going through similar situations.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this type of experience from the very place (church) where people should be able to go when they are hurting. I guess the Pastor and Elders at that church never read Jesus comments in John 8:2-11. Unfortunately, some Christians still view (unlike God) that there are certain categories or levels of sins, which are worse than others. We ALL have sin in our lives and Need God’s Grace, regardless of our title or position. Continue to speak your truth!!
Daphne what a sad awful example of church hurt and that’s all l will say about what they are calling Church. I can say for sure the woman at the well was not rachet at all but a true believer & telling others about God. I am so glad you left that congregation. I am not judgemental but they sound Almost CULTISH in my opinion. I knew you would find your way with out my interference as I was still in Austin. My spirit told me all was not well. I knew you were strong and would escape from what was not right. Proud of you and know why you stayed your distance from us. Abuse is a terrible weapon but you survived, got out, and helping so many. May continue to God bless you.❤️🙏🏾
Daphne, God bless you, we have prayed for your protection since your grandparents divorce before you were born. Be encouraged, surely goodness and mercy will pursue you all the days of your life. Continue to “shake the dust off your shoes” in your blog for it will bear witness as you draw near to God. Remember you are the church, Jesus went to well to meet the women, because she was the messenger of good news for her community.
May God’s Son continue to shine on you so brilliantly that you must wear shades of Praise.
I hate that the Samaritan Woman is maligned so frequently. She’s a kick-ass theologian who not only has the longest theological conversation *in Scripture* with Jesus, but is arguably the first evangelist as well.
Keep doing what you’re doing Daphne!
Daphne, it is sad that you experienced this. It is interesting for me to read that you were reprimanded for persisting. That persisting was, to them an indication that you did not have the correct attitude in your heart. It also is astonishing to me because in my case I asked twice to participate in communion but was told that until things were worked out with my h I was not permitted to attend. I sent a couple emails but their decision was justified over and over. I grew silent. Till the pain was too great. They then asked “why did you not persist?” They quoted the scripture of the persistent woman who knocked and knocked and knocked and then because of her persistence received bread. I responded that they had given me a rock the other times I knocked so why ask again? In your case, in my case… darned if you do, darned if you don’t. It’s up to men, who don’t educate themselves to have the final say. Although so so painful… you were lead out of the house of bondage and took agency over your own spiritual journey. Between you and God. Peace to you.
I felt this in every inch of my soul!!! I too parted ways with my church for different reasons but I know how disheartening the whole ordeal can be. Keep speaking your truth!
Thank you for reading and sharing your experience!